How to Overcome Envy and Support Others: A Guide for Growth and Empathy

When I think about the emotion of envy, it also comes with a plethora of other, negative feelings. Feelings of inadequacy, but above all guilt. Guilt that I should be grateful for what I have, for who I am, and all those that I love that love me back. However, I would be lying if I did not say that envy has visited me often throughout my life. Memories that haunt me are tinged with it. It was the whispering voice that kept me down in dark times. What is freeing as I have grown in life is realizing that this is not an emotion that I face alone. This is a common feeling that we all wrestle with letting go. Social Media has given Envy a great platform as lives of others are presented in an "oh so perfect, snap shot" way. And because of this, it's an emotion that we all need to learn to conquer so we can get out of our own way and live the life we are meant to live.

There is a couple things that we need to understand about emotions. First, as women, we tend to feel emotions intensely, This is important to understand because when an emotion washes over us, it has the power to stop our rational brain from seeing things clearly. Second, studies have shown that negative emotions can be more contagious than positive ones. This is because we are hardwired in our brain to always be looking for threats. These are not just physical threats, but emotionally damaging ones as well. Negative emotions are what help us identify these threats to our well-being before they can hurt us. However, we have to be cognizant that the thoughts in our mind are not always true. We have the ability to spread these feelings to another person when we act on a thought just because it fits the narrative in our mind.

Now, let's consider envy. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, envy means "a painful or resentful awareness of an advantage or possession enjoyed by another and the desire to posess the same thing". Doesn't sound supportive of another person at all, does it? It almost sounds like the antithesis of it. One positive thing about envy is that it can motivate us to change something or build a skill to acquire the things we desire. For example, if someone purchases a new vehicle that you would like but may not have the funds to purchase, you may work extra to get the funding for it. But in doing so, what are you sacrificing? Is the car worth the extra time working that could have been spent with the people you love? One study on Envy from the University of Texas found that when Envy is in the mix, we tend to remember more of the details around the person that we are envious of. We notice more of what they do wrong, we are quick to judgement, and guess what? Envy causes us to lose alot of time focused on what we don't value. This emotion gets us off track from what is important to us.

And in comes guilt and the emotional rollercoaster that keeps us from being grateful for what we have. This stops us from being supportive of one another and blocks our ability to show empathy. So how do we get off this unhelpful ride?

1. Name it. If you are feeling a negative emotion towards another person, name the emotion. Giving the emotion it's name allows you to let it go and move on from it. In this case, its name is envy. It's not who you are nor should it be allowed to take what you are from you. Let it go!

2. Write a gratitude list. When you are feeling inadequate because of envy, compile a list of all the reasons that you can feel grateful. Are you reading this? Be grateful for your ability to read and the access to the internet to find resources to help us all cope with negativity. Gratitude is the antithesis of Envy.

3. Zoom out and see the big picture. Someone else doing well doesn't mean that you can't do well. Another's sparkle doesn't have to diminish your own shine. You did not walk their path and unless you do, you will never understand the sacrifices they probably made to get where they are. Our partial view of their life is not the full picture.

We all our struggling with our own challenges. We will never accomplish all that we are capable of unless we realize that the key to getting there is together. Let's do our best to keep lifting others along as we go. Don't allow envy to derail the train forward. Stay Confinaitted, Queens!